Endings. Seems like today, everywhere I turned, I saw the end of things. I am looking at the end of my blob, which I'm REALLY sad and kind of afraid to let go of. It has given me the discipline and forced the accountability to look back on EVERY day and ask, what did I learn? Did I apply my new thought system to my life? Can I express what I learned in words and images to my mates? It kept me on track, and yes Arctis, it has manifested in incredible miracles.
Now I have to take the training wheels off, and see if my new behavior is truly integrated. The book I read that set me off on this course said "60 days means your new behavior is ingrained." We'll see. I'm scared.
In a couple of days, I end my financial ties with Paul. Very soon, I need to conclusively end my romance with Tony. As a public servant, we are going to be ending the employment of a staff member (shhhh).
It is interesting to me, how human I am. That I look at these endings as loss and darkness and void. It's BLACK. I know, of course, that deaths make space for new beginnings, even better than what I could imagine. But still, there's anxiety and tension around the GAP between absence and presence......why??
Here's what I think. It forces us to grieve. That, if we had our druthers, we'd skip over the gap, go right from divorcee to married person, without a thought that maybe we should take some time out, and maybe MOURN the passing of a relationship. Wear black. Cry. Read old sentimental letters. Lick our wounds. And honor the person or event that made such an impact on our lives.
So........here's to endings. That's it's OK to be sad about my blob ending. I should just FEEL what is there, and know that it is appropriate. And!!! I am so excited that dear Drano gets to experience the creative and loving space that blobworld presents. And, that the in-between can be pretty uncomfortable.
4 comments:
Gala,
Yes, endings are like death, and great point. They clear the decks for life.
To death!
And life!
Love,
Motty
This blog should have been called "Happy Thoughts for 60 Days and Then One Day of Sadness." Seriously Gala, you are going to be just fine. Sure you might fall over and skin your knee once or twice, but everyone does that -- even Lance Armstrong's fallen off his bike a time or two.
And yes, there are a lot of endings in your life right now, but I see even more beginnings -- big, exciting ones. And like Motty said, endings clear the way for what's new in our lives.
I agree that it's natural to mourn loss and feel the pain of being in that gap, but I think we need to balance that with positive anticipation for the opportunities that will appear to fill those gaps (for you and Tony and Paul and whomever).
I am so excited to see what the coming days, weeks and months bring to you as you continue your path of intentional thinking. And I also look forward to the types of blobversations we'll have at the hand of Drano.
Motty, that's the shortest blobbent ever. Whazzup?
Arctis,
I was not mine own self last night. So, brevity seemed in order. Even so, I sent a subliminal message to Gala. My truncated blobvent was a semi-Fiddler moment, designed to bring her back to music, laughter, fun, Tradition! Back to the bizarre Trans-Siberian rockish/folkish, every Jewish head covering ever (well, except for those flat brimmed blackies the Hassidic variety wear).
For a month or three a couple of years ago, death was everywhere in my life. No one died. But I dreamt of death constantly. I saw it in nature, sometimes brutally and, when I flew anywhere on a plane, I slept as if drugged. I never sleep on planes. I got that something in me was dying and voila', there was space for something new. Endings are hard. So much easier to keep things/situations/relationships/people in that gray area of maybe or hmmmmmmm.
One of my friends stopped taking my calls or responding to emails about 3-4 months ago. At first I made lots of assumptions...he was scared of what I was saying, he found me annoying, I was too direct, etc. Today, my sense is that he has just moved on. That I don't fit into his vision/what he wants in his life, for whatever reason. He did a quick fade, from gray to black. At least I know, and, I have room for someone who wants to move from gray to gold.
Thanks Bruno.
Love you guys,
Mot
I think maybe we all feel a little funky at least partially because of the season. Yes, it's spring, but the trees are still skeletal and the snow that remains is the dirtiest, grossest snow ever. Mud and litter are everywhere. And what's with this wind and god awful static electricity every time you touch something? It's enought to make anyone twitchy-tailed.
We're in limbo season; stuck between a hard but really beautiful and pristine winter and what is sure to be a spectacular spring/summer. We're all in the gap.
I want all of my blobmates to get out and breathe the fresh air today and look all around for the signs of life poking out of the ground. It's our promise that we'll all get to the other side of this.
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