So, tonight's blog was supposed to be serene, contemplative, buddha under a bo tree. Daughter survived the surgery perfectly, we have health insurance, my car didn't break down, all kinds of wonderful things.
And yet, in this moment, I'm jagged, temperamantal, more than a bit angry, and just, well, volatile. All the nasty aspects of scorpio. And sometimes, Oprah, I just don't want to fucking post to my gratitude journal.
I feel exhausted, led a large meeting with a huge coffee stain on my blouse, got yet another speeding ticket.
This is a part of me that I keep very hidden, know that it pushes people away (understated), scares even me, and yet is such a FORCE.
I remember the bedtime story as a child, of the two sisters. One was a girl who was very very good. Blond, curls, sweet. Sue Anna.
And then there was other sister, who was "very very bad." She had dark hair. LIKE MINE. She had a scowl. LIKE MINE. She displeased people. LIKE ME.
I get angry. I get impatient. I get sick of coddling people's insecurities and weaknesses. Today, I could barely STAND to be around Paul. I just wanted to SCREAM to him to grow the fuck up, read Chicken Soup for the Soul, do something to advance his own growth.
Not quite ready to let go of my edge, yet. Don't want to rationalize it, meditate it, ommm it away. Not tonight, at least. It feels really really good to be righteous and pissed and feel some sense of release, for a while.
5 comments:
Okay, I understand everything you're feeling. Totally. (Remember, we ARE smarter than everyone - except our other blobmates who are our equals.)
But (I have to ask) does it REALLY "feel really really good to be righteous and pissed"? REALLY? Or does it tear you up inside and steal any sense of serenity you may be close to possessing right now?
So you don't feel like posting to your gratitude journal. Boo hoo. Do it anyway (figuratively, of course). Your kid just survived a life-threatening illness and isn't it nice we live in a developed country with decent medical care. How about that new hospital, huh? And you're not going to go through foreclosure. And your financial ties to Paul will soon be severed. And, and, and...
The positive feelings of compassion and love that push out the negative feelings of hate and anger do not come easily to us human-types. We have to PRACTICE and MEDITATE and goddamn FORCE them to come. At least at first. And over time it won't be so hard.
And re: Sue Anna vs. the devil child. I know there's a part of you who cherishes your contrary side. It's why you like cats. So get good with it. You're our twitchy-tailed friend! I happen to know you wouldn't trade your life for Sue Anna's in a million years. And I wouldn't trade you as a friend for some very very good blond curly headed angel. What fun would that be (except for possibly torturing said curly-haired girl, which could be very fun but not very Buddha-like).
WTF with the speeding ticket? Are you gonna make me go all mom on your ass?! It's called cruise control. It's a wonderful invention and one I understand your car is equipped with.
Ooooo, I'm kind of scared to post this. What the hell, I'm saying it all with a big smile on my face!
It sounds like Arctis was a tinch on edge herself when she posted! On a side spur, I agree with the cruise control thing, by going friggin' 92 mph you are still only beating a reasonable driver to the destination by a few minutes. Slow the hell down!
Ok, so I was just reading (don't know where) that we always think that venting is releasing anger. The "Expert", quoted in the article, said that is not true. She said it a way of perpetuating the anger. I've been thinking a lot about that. I'm a venter and not convinced that it helps.
Arctis, I feel like you are right on! It does NOT feel good to be pissed or self-righteous. It feels much better to count your blessings and seek the peace. But, I have to conjure it and hope for it to become a habit.
And yet, I'm grateful for my (and other's) sense of justice, which often elicits anger. If we didn't get pissed about some things, nobody would stand up for the right things or weaker people. I guess we just have to make sure the thing we're pissed about is worthy and our intention is not solely self-centered. And the changes we may effect are executed in a positive way. All about noticing??
Gotta' run, chained to the office. Paperwork really pisses me off! xxoo, Doarn
Oh, HAD to mention that the little girl in the picture must have done a Gala character study. Any other blobmates see that face before??
Have seen the little child face before, AND, sorry Arctis and Drano I disagree totally (not on the speeding ticket, or even the gratitude). I LOVE the anger. The Dalai lama once said, "I get angry every time it serves me." It's quite alright to rip Paul a new one, as long as you're aware you're doing so, The TRUTH is you're pissed at Paul. So,why shouldn't you tell him, for God's sake? He is an irresponsible, closed down jerk, right (I'm sure he has many good qualities too)? AND, you have some idea what your motivation might be.Maybe you can buy him a copy of chicken soup? It does absolutely no good to want to have gratitude or be nice until you've let the anger pass through you. And, venting is not a bad way to do it. ANY way is. Hell, beat the shit out of a pillow with a tennis racket. Imagine it's Paul's face (minus the blood).
You get the picture. Denying repressing dark feelings? Nope.
Love the photo Gala.
Love,
MOT
Just one more thing. Drano, I've watched you over the past 8 years. I LOVE that you're more pissed off, honest, direct, and edgier every year. You used to claim you felt that you were a doormat. Now, I'm kind of scared of you. Your protectiveness and ire arose around the treatment of your children. Now, it extends to treatment of all those around you. You're a warrior, and I dig it. And am glad I'm in the inner circle. I feel protected.
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