Days 22-23: No Easy Way

Serial blob today.  Woke up with a knot in my stomach.  Watching, in action, myself abandoning myself.  I do it so incrementally, with such stealth and denial, that I don't even know it's happening.  Ingenious (and not so genius) methods and diversions to keep from acknowledging that I quit listening to the voice inside -- so that I can have the empty satisfaction of not rocking the boat, hurting another's feelings, leaving a relationship, or saying something that will break a heart but is the truth.

Knowing what I know now, the choices limit themselves to one -- I have to honor what's inside.  As I write this, my heart races.  I have more pain ahead, but it's the pain that comes from hurting someone that I love.  I knew that this process wouldn't be a cakewalk, but didn't realize that it would entail such a barrage of emotion.  Seems like nearly every day holds such volatility of feeling -- freedom, hope, openness, awareness in the morning.  Tears, emptiness, doubt, and sadness in the afternoon.  Intellectually I understand that changing behavior and thinking differently requires reopening old wounds and letting old patterns and relationships die.  Just didn't think it would happen so fast.