Perhaps the perfect companion to "freedom," is a blob about loneliness. I can't think that loneliness means the same thing to all people.
For Tony, it means companionship in the most literal sense. As in, no one in his physical space to provide basic comfort and needs. Without demeaning his experience, I have to say that I don't understand that. I love my time alone, enjoy my own presence, am highly protective of my space.
And yet, I feel loneliness, too.......a very different animal though. My loneliness, like tonight, stems from an absence of physical presence, yes. But even more vacant is the sense that there is anyone -- ANYONE -- who is sharing what I'm feeling, wanting, needing. Right now. Sure, the effort can be made to make connections -- I can call friends, email, etc. But that doesn't fill the space, on nights like tonight, when you don't really want to talk or analyze or be in your head. You just want the basics. Like warm milk. The soft hum of conversation in the background. Bedtime stories. Walton-like goodnights -- "goodnight, John Boy...........good night, Mama".
Sometimes I think these needs are at a DNA level. It feels so GOOD when it's there. And just, well -- lonely -- when it's not there. So maybe it's not that different from my judgment around Tony's loneliness. Perhaps it is that basic.
Not to complain blobmates, but loneliness is kind of a big issue for us single folk. It's not a downer, it's just a consequence of being single and having that delicious freedom. Wonder about your thoughts on this, Mot, as well as our married companions.
3 comments:
Ah loneliness. Yep, I'm familiar with its skeletal presence. The silence and emptiness. It IS the province of the single person, and yet, as you point out Gala, the reasons for loneliness are universal. Even if you have 3 or 4 kids bleating for your attention, you can still feel incredibly lonely.
I was really lonely last fall. I've lived in Durango for 3 years, yet have been here half the time at best, plus I've tended to date women who live, oh, say 2,000 miles away. The result? Disconnection (from self and others) and...you got it...the big L.
So, the question is, what do you do about it? Reach out or go in? Drink a beer or go to the gym? Read or cry? Can you be with it. The pure, soul-sapping energy of it, without trying to make it go away or fix it or numb it? How to make loneliness your friend, or at least a colleague.
My answer. Be curious. Ah, here it is again. Why now? Why this strong? Sit in it, let it wash over you and disappear like ocean foam. Hard as hell to do. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes not.
Mot
Weighing in as one of the married folk, I too suffer loneliness at times, but it's as you described Gala: it's more of an isolated cut off feeling. Like I'm the only one in the world who feels like I do at this particular moment in time. And when you have a family living with you, it can be perturbing - you kind of wish they weren't there because they can't relate to what you're feeling. You just want to physically be alone to match the way you're feeling in your head.
But no, you have to go on fulfilling your familial obligations.
Overall,though, it is nice having the "'night John Boy" experience every night. I would guess that single and married people all suffer at least a little bit from "the grass is greener" complex. And then we realize what we'd be giving up to have it the other way...
And, dear Gala, this is still kind of a new thing for you, at least the not having Tony in your life. I know you've been alone a lot since leaving Paul, but I'm sure in recent days it's reached a different level. And that's got to be feeling incredibly LONELY right now.
So what do you DO with it, like Mot asked. I think that's where you are right now, and I think you already know what you DON'T want to do to dull that feeling. Like all human conditions, this too shall pass.
You want irony? Last night when my family had completely overwhelmed and overstimulated me, (and were basically suckithe life from me), I thought, "God, I just feel like getting in the car and spending the night at Gala's where there is no one to bug the shit out of me." It's all relative, it's all about balance, and all of it sometimes sucks!
But, don't you think it follows the vein of the freedom discussion, you need to experience the lonliness to fully appreciate the moments of great connectedness? (I quit college, so I don't even know if that is a word) And I mean great connections, just not populating your life with anyone (like a lot of people do) so that there is just someone around. That is the worst kind of lonliness, when you feel overwhelmingly sad and alone in the midst of friends, family, acquaintances.
Think of what you did to avoid experiencing the lonliness that you felt when you were married. It's all relative, it's all about balance. I don't know how to make it not suck. I wonder if there is anyone who can say they have never felt lonely......
Chin up, Drano!
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